The picture in my mind needs to go away. It really does, and if it doesn’t it will definitely fuck me up even more. All along i’ve had hopes for something to happen, or hopes to go to a certain place, or hopes to just accomplish the things i wanted, but it doesn’t happen. And i create this mental image in my mind, and i go to sleep thinking about it every night and i wait and i wait, but it never happens. It never does. I had this huge fucking expectation of going to Africa during the summer and helping kids, and teaching them how to read and write. Of painting murals, and being surrounded by poverty and hardships that people faced. I had expectations of actually going somewhere with someone, or regaining a friendship with someone. I had hopes of doing so much better this year and having more motivation. I had the expectation of myself being so happy this year, and making it the best. But it hasn’t. And nothings been right, and i still think about this picture in my mind of having all these things i will never ever have. And that’s what’s fucking me up. The image of perfection will simply fuck you up and tear you into pieces. This is reality, and i need to start facing it. I will never go there, i will never be something to someone, and maybe my motivation or grades can change but i highly doubt it. I just need to move on and stop going to sleep thinking of all these damn friken hopes, hopes, and more hopes.  Things really felt like they were getting better over the weekend. But i’m back to square mother effin one.

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